Grave digging?

I have been so blessed this last year that I have been able to loose about 130lbs. I have been glued to the show biggest looser on NBC. I have been noticing that in this season they have been showing the contestants past pain and how that has cause them to be obese. I will never forget when Paul Marks opend up and talked about what his father called "sessions". I have been asking myself as of late "why" I have let myself get to 430lbs. About a decade ago I lost around a hundred pounds but like most people who struggle with their weight I put all of it back on plus more in the next year or so. I remember as the weight started dropping women started to check me out and this left me feeling unsafe and dirty. My parents are amazing and my childhood was filled with love and care yet like a lot of people I was also subject to sexual and physical abuse. Therefore I now know that eating was a coping mechanism to keep me feeling safe. Women don't never wanted to "check me out" cause I was fat and No man wants to fight with someone who out weights them by 200lbs. As the weight slowly falls off me I am starting to feel the security of my size leave. Now I am not from the camp that thinks that going to see a psychiatrists of no value. I think it is out right stupid not to go to the ER if you cut your leg off and not go to the psychiatrist if you are ever emotionally traumatized. I have been to see counselors and there are great if you get a good one. I thought I "worked through" my past pain and "issues" but I guess losing this weight has cause me to start grave digging into my past. I love it that I am married and don't even think twice about what women are thinking cause I have the best woman ever who loves me for me even when I did weight 430lbs. My question is I guess how do I get over this insecurity? I wrote a haiku for what I have been feeling lately.


F-ree from comfort food
A-ll security is gone
T-riumphs are acrid

UFC 82

Anderson Silva vs Dan Henderson

I was disappointed to see Dan get mopped the last time these two fighters collided. I wrestled for many years and if there's one thing I know about wrestlers it is that they HATE losing and Never give up. I know Dan went back to the gym and worked his ass off to get his revenge on spider. I am going to have to go with Dan with a knockout not only because I must support the local boy but no one would expect for him to knock Anderson out. I will be enjoying some buffalo Trace Bourbon and a Brazil CAO cigar.

New video

I posted a new weight loss blog on metcafe... Click here

Me +John Q

I am very angry at Kaiser Permenenta right now. My baby sister has been sick for 25 days and she is at the point where blood is coming out of her nose and mouth. She had been to see the doctor at kaiser 5 times and they only let her see the nurse. I think megan and philp are to nice so they keep passing her off to someone else and thats not getting the job done! I would like to go down there reenact the movie John Q so my little sister can get the care that she need. They keep sending her home and saying she was going to be ok but to come back. The nurse asked her at her last appointment if she had been driving and the got mad when megan said yes even though no one told her not to drive and said she would be ok but to come back. WTF! How can you get mad at someone for the problem you are suppose to fix. There is a silver lining here my sister works at ainsworth elementary which is an expensive school and one of her kids father is the head cardiologist at OHSU and has been calling megan every night to see how she is doing. I can't stand how western medicine has shifted from putting a band aid on the problem rather than fixing what causes it. It's no wonder doctors and nurses call what they do there "practice"...

Smoke yourself THIN

So I started a weight loss video blog last night on metcafe. I will be talking about my "issues" with food and how I have lost over 100lbs. Come check me out....

click here

Tired

TIRED

Last days of wasting haze
I still my busy mind meandering, maliciously though
moments of malnourished muse

Waiting for something that won't falsh burn my poetry
tired of forced words trying to speak worlds with just a few syllables

Looking to see who I can please only to find myself bankrupt of ryhmes rhythm and reason

Wanting to stand on the shoulders of giants only to find myself trappled by my own two beats

THUMP THUMP

My heart afraid to pump what is inside out. Afraid that words like insecure, fat, lonely and you might come out.

My heart bleeds silent tears of misguided emotions yearning to rain truth
spoken on open palms not grasping for more appluse which fades like static

How to play and the origins of the "question game"

So many of you know and played what I like to call the "question game". It's a great way to get to know people really really fast. I have deepened my relationship and started new ones all because of this "game". A long time ago I was going to the beach with two friends, both of which I knew really well but they hardly knew each other. Well an hour or so into the drive I said lets play a game called "the question game" they said what is the question game(which is a normal response). I said there are some simple and easy rules to this game:

1 You can ask any question you want to anyone in the car
2 The person getting ask doesn't have to answer (they can pass)
3 You must tell the truth
4 A person asks a question after he or she answers then her or she may ask the next question
5 What is said is never I repeat never to be told to anyone else

After years of playing I have heard some odd and very thought provoking answers. A few years ago I hurt someones feeling by laughing at there answer so I made a 5th rule... No matter how silly, stupid or unrealistic the answer of the person answering his or her question you can't laugh. Yes I know this is just like truth or dare without the dare but now that we are all adults and our minds are more developed. We don't need to lick ice cold flag poles to have fun!

Virgin Post

My wife has encouraged me to start a blog a few days ago so here is my first post. I want to warn you that I will be shooting from the hip and adult content could come up. I used to journal all the time but as of late haven't found the time so here is my attempt to get back into writing. I will be posting haiku's or poems every Friday or Monday so make sure to swing by.