No pain No Gain?

I have been getting back into martial arts and have been loving it. I train at one of the best gyms in the Portland metro area Impact Jiu-Jitsu. Many fighters that come out of this gym are ranked number one in the local MMA scene. Last night I was thrown and landed on my shoulder when I hit the mat I heard and felt a small pop. I was sparring so I thought my arm can still move so keep going. Well I was awakened in the middle of the night from the pain in my shoulder. Keep in mind this was after taking a handful of pain meds before bed. Before getting back into martial arts I knew that I was eventually going to injure something. I just didn't think I would be so soon. It's really really frustrating to me that my body isn't as durable like it use to be when I was 18. It has been great getting to wrestle again. I plan on getting into competitions in a year of so if not sooner. I don't think I will get into any MMA bouts cause I don't like getting punched in the face but I am training MMA to shed more pounds off.

Grave digging?

I have been so blessed this last year that I have been able to loose about 130lbs. I have been glued to the show biggest looser on NBC. I have been noticing that in this season they have been showing the contestants past pain and how that has cause them to be obese. I will never forget when Paul Marks opend up and talked about what his father called "sessions". I have been asking myself as of late "why" I have let myself get to 430lbs. About a decade ago I lost around a hundred pounds but like most people who struggle with their weight I put all of it back on plus more in the next year or so. I remember as the weight started dropping women started to check me out and this left me feeling unsafe and dirty. My parents are amazing and my childhood was filled with love and care yet like a lot of people I was also subject to sexual and physical abuse. Therefore I now know that eating was a coping mechanism to keep me feeling safe. Women don't never wanted to "check me out" cause I was fat and No man wants to fight with someone who out weights them by 200lbs. As the weight slowly falls off me I am starting to feel the security of my size leave. Now I am not from the camp that thinks that going to see a psychiatrists of no value. I think it is out right stupid not to go to the ER if you cut your leg off and not go to the psychiatrist if you are ever emotionally traumatized. I have been to see counselors and there are great if you get a good one. I thought I "worked through" my past pain and "issues" but I guess losing this weight has cause me to start grave digging into my past. I love it that I am married and don't even think twice about what women are thinking cause I have the best woman ever who loves me for me even when I did weight 430lbs. My question is I guess how do I get over this insecurity? I wrote a haiku for what I have been feeling lately.


F-ree from comfort food
A-ll security is gone
T-riumphs are acrid